My dedications: 

To the Lord above for "I can do all things through Christ who 
strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) 
Brian Thomas Littrell--the only thing I can say is thank you. 
Becca--thank you for writing your story...it truly inspired me and i 
believe it has helped even more...it's been a pleasure, we need to do 
it again sometime! Thanks chica! 
BSB--Keep on doin' that Backstreet Thang u do so well! 
Mom--I love you, you've always been there and always were 'The Perfect 
Fan.' 
And to all you who read this and are in someway moved, thank you for 
reading! and please let me know you think...feedback is always accepted 
at: ahluvbri@hotmail.com 

Thanks again 

~*Becca*~
The Lord is my Rock, Brian is my Stepping Stone
"God fixed my heart so I could bless yours."--Brian Thomas Littrell
Psalm 34:4

---------------------
My Twentieth Birthday
© 2000 Bereccaemarie
---------------------

It was about three in the afternoon on Wednesday, April 12, 2000. I had 
the afternoon off because I only had morning classes so I went home to 
check my email. I did have to work that night and had about three hours 
before I had to be there. I turned on MTV and managed to catch the 
news.

"This is MTV News, I am John Norris. It's a sad day in the music 
business today," John started.

"When isn't it?" I thought to myself.

"Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell died this morning of a sudden heart 
attack. Sources say he and the rest of the Backstreet Boys were 
rehearsing for an upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live when the 
twenty-five year old collapsed. His bandmates tried to revive him to no 
avail. Services for Brian will be held in his hometown of Lexington, 
Kentucky at the Lexington Baptist Church at ten on Saturday, April 
fifteenth."

I fell to my knees there in my living room and cried. I glanced back up 
at the television in time to see a tear escape John's eye as he said, 
"Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends...and the 
fans. That's all the news for now. More at ten to the hour, every hour 
here on MTV." I then heard the announcer say, "This has been MTV News. 
You hear it here, first."

I had taken the weekend off of work because it was my birthday, but I 
still had to go to work that night. I pondered calling in sick, but 
decided against it. Working would take my mind off of it. I called a 
travel agent and booked a ticket to Lexington out of Sacramento for 
Friday afternoon. I would arrive there sometime that night. I got 
online and found a listing of hotels in the greater Lexington area. As 
soon as I found I liked that wasn't too expensive, I got on the phone 
and booked a room. By the time I had finished making the travel 
arrangements, it was time to head to work.

That night, it seemed that everyone I worked with knew what had 
happened. I walked in somberly, not saying anything to anybody. I 
overheard the supervisors talking about it. One of the males said, "One 
down, four to go." I just stared at them, and when they realized I was 
standing right behind them, they all started apologizing. I told them 
it didn't matter and grabbed the Brian button around my neck and kissed 
it, fighting back tears. One of the other male supervisors came over to 
me and said, "You can go home if you want to."

"No. I wanna work. It'll keep my mind off it. I'm kinda glad I have 
this weekend off. I can go to the funeral."

"You're actually going to the funeral?" one of my coworkers asked.

"Yes."

"But you didn't even know him," my coworker continued.

"But he touched my life and even if his parents don't let the fans in, 
I will have at least tried."

I spent the night calling people, begging for money for the university. 
On my fifteen-minute break, I listened to Brian's music and cried. No 
one really understood what I was going through. I decided while I was 
listening to "The Perfect Fan" that I was going to donate to Brian's 
foundation.

The next two days went by in a blur. I went to my classes, went to 
colorguard practice and even had my roommate drive me to Sacramento. My 
parents protested me spending my birthday in some far away town at a 
funeral of someone I had never met. I explained to my mom that I was 
watching MTV at that moment for a reason, and this was something I had 
to do and that I would explain everything to her when I got back. Even 
after all the arguing she still didn't like the fact that I was 
spending my twentieth birthday in Kentucky, but decided she couldn't 
stop me.

I arrived in Lexington Friday evening and checked into my hotel. I fell 
asleep sobbing, not knowing if I would make it through the funeral the 
next day. At eight, the alarm went off and I hopped in the shower, 
singing "Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely." Forty-five minutes after 
waking, I was down in the lobby of the hotel, hailing a cab. I told the 
driver where I wanted to go. He didn't seem surprised in the least.

I was there early enough so that not even the family had arrived yet. I 
sat down and waited. Everywhere I looked was flowers. Every fan it 
seemed like had sent flowers. I didn't. I knew Brian wouldn't want it, 
just like when he went through his surgery. Instead, I mailed a 
thousand-dollar check to his foundation. It was part of my financial 
aid. In my hand, I clutched a sealed envelope. It was a copy of a 
letter I had written to Brian back in January and mailed to every 
address I could find. I didn't know if he had even gotten it, but I 
thought that now he could take it with him to Heaven.

People started arriving and the fans began to swarm. His family was 
greeting everyone as they entered. His mother looked probably the 
worse, eyes puffy, dressed in black. His father even had tear stained 
eyes. His brother was trying so hard to be strong. I hung back, not 
wanting to intrude. That's when a young, eighteen-year-old fan 
approached me.

"Are you Becca?" she asked.

"Um, yes, why? Who are you?"

"Well, I'm Becca. From Iowa."

"No way," I said, not really believing that this was my email buddy. 
"How did you get here?" I asked.

"I drove. Against my parents wishes, but I did. And you flew?"

"Yep, all the way from Cali."

"I can't believe this," she said, looking around. "All this, for him. 
And just the fact that he's not here blows my mind."

"I know," I said, choking briefly on tears. "I never met him, but I 
miss him so much. Does that sound crazy?"

"No. I feel the same way. Well, at least now you can give your letter 
to him," she said. She was one of the few people who had actually read 
the entire letter.

I chuckled. "Yea, I guess so. There's his parents, and his brother," I 
said, tilting my head towards the sanctuary doors. Becca and I walked 
over to them.

Brian's mom, Jackie, stopped us and thanked us for coming. She said 
something to Becca, but I wasn't listening. I was looking at Brian. 
Becca and I walked arm and arm up to the open casket. We both were 
crying as Becca croaked out, "He so handsome. Even now." He was wearing 
a navy blue sweater, since blue was his favorite color. He looked like 
he was asleep and could awaken at any moment. I thought it would be 
just like B-Rok to fling open his eyes and yell, "Surprise!" The 
thought that he wouldn't kept me silent.

I walked up and placed the sealed envelope containing the letter 
underneath Brian's hands. I leaned over and whispered to him, "Hell of 
a birthday present, Brian. I don't know if you got this in life, but 
now you can read it in Heaven and know that you inspired someone's life 
in your short time here on Earth. Thank you for all you've done for me. 
I'll see you someday. I love you."

I backed away and Becca stepped up to Brian and kissed him on the 
cheek. She said something to him that I didn't hear and maybe wasn't 
meant to hear. When she finished we found a place to sit and fought 
back tears as the service began. There, in the front row was his 
family, the Backstreet Boys and his girlfriend, Leighanne. They all 
looked like their world had come crashing down.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate the memory of Brian Thomas 
Littrell. We have asked some family and friends to speak first, so..." 
the preacher trailed off as Brian's father stepped up to the podium.

"I have lost my son," he started. "I have been trying to come to grips 
with this fact. I don't have a speech prepared, I just came up here to 
say this: Brian, I am so very proud of you, and me and your mom and 
your brother love you very much." He made his way back to his seat.

After a few moments of silence, the preacher went back up to the front. 
"Is there anyone else who would like to say something?"

"What about the memoir?" I asked Becca.

"I don't think I could do that," she replied.

"Come on, I'll go with you. I'll speak first. Do it for Brian."

We got up and walked up to the front. I stepped in front of the 
microphone and said, "My name is Becca, and I'm just a fan. Today is my 
twentieth birthday. No matter what my parents may have said to me, I 
could think of no better way to spend my birthday than here with Brian. 
Twenty years ago, I wasn't supposed to be born. And when I was born, 
weighing only two and half pounds, I wasn't supposed to live very long. 
The doctors feared that my lungs and my heart might have not been 
completely formed. They found that I did have a hole in my heart and 
wanted to do surgery. But the Lord stepped in and saved me. Just like 
He stepped in and saved Brian's life twenty years ago. Brian was kept 
on this Earth for a reason, and that reason was to bring us all joy. 
The only comfort I can offer all of you is something a dear friend who 
passed away earlier this year, said to me. He told me that it'll hurt 
for a while, but eventually that hurt will go away and all you'll be 
left with is the memories that will bring you joy. Before I start 
crying, I'd like to turn you over to my friend, whose name also happens 
to be Becca." I stepped back and allowed Becca to step up to the mike.

"I am just a fan. I never knew Brian; I never even met him. But he has 
touched my life in a way that only few have. I truly believe he is my 
angel.

"Through his faith in God, he has strengthened my faith. Through all 
the problems with his heart, he has shown me how to be strong. Through 
his selflessness, he has taught me how to be grateful for what I have, 
and humble, and not to complain about my problems, because someone's 
are always worse than mine are. Through his love for his family, he has 
set the example for how I should love mine. Through his love for his 
girlfriend, he has set the example for how all men should treat the 
women they are with. And through his respect for everyone, he has shown 
me how to love. So Brian, thank you for all that you've done for me, 
and for the rest of the fans around the world. We truly have and will 
continue to appreciate your music, and will keep your legacy alive. 
Brian's legacy. The one of honesty, of courage, of humor, of love, and 
of faith. Mr. and Mrs. Littrell, thank you for allowing me to be here, 
and thank you for the gift of your son." She looked to the sky and 
said, "Brian, this is from the fans. We love you. We will miss you, but 
we will carry on, and look forward to the day when we will meet."

She stepped back and we walked back towards our seats. We didn't get 
two feet before Nick wrapped Becca in a bear hug. He was crying and 
kept repeating, "Thank you."

Becca just hugged him back and said to him, "It's okay, Nick, it's 
okay." When Nick finally let her go we walked back to our seats. 
Leighanne got up and talked for a while, and then Nick, Kevin, AJ and 
Howie stood up and sang "Amazing Grace." There wasn't a dry eye in the 
house. The preacher got up and his last words before the procession 
began were, "On this day, let us not be consumed by our grief, but be 
comforted by the thought that Brian is in Heaven, and we will see him 
again when the Lord deems it so."

Becca and I stood outside and waited for Brian to be brought out. The 
Boys were pallbearers along with Brian's brother and another cousin. It 
was very emotional as they loaded him into the hearse. Becca and I 
found our way to the cemetery in one of the many taxicabs. The 
graveside service was short; Psalm 23 was read, along with Ecclesiastes 
3. Brian's brother even read Brian's favorite passage. "My brother's 
favorite verse was Psalm sixty-one, verses one through three: 'Hear my 
cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to 
You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher 
than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.'" 
He paused. "And my favorite verse reminds me of my little brother. 
Philippians one, verse three: 'I thank my God every time I remember 
you.'"

After the passages were read, his brother stepped down and everyone 
stood around and talked quietly. Becca and I were talking when Jackie 
cam up to us. Becca handed her the memoir and she immediately 
recognized it as what was said earlier.

"I came to thank you both for what you said," she said to us in a voice 
barely above a whisper. "Thank you for this, too," she added to Becca. 
"You've done so much today. What can I do to repay you two?"

"I've been paid already," Becca said. "Brian was your gift to me."

Jackie's eyes filled with tears. "I want you to come to our house. I 
want to give you something. A picture of him, maybe, a...a shirt of 
his, anything."

"I couldn't," Becca said.

"You will," she said, gently but firmly. "Both of you."

"Alright," we agreed. "Tomorrow.

Becca and I left together and headed back to the hotel. By sheer 
coincidence we were staying in the same hotel and in rooms right next 
to each other.

"Talk about coincidence," Becca said to me in her room.

"I know. Maybe Brian planned it that way," I said.

She laughed. "Probably."

We talked and cried all day and eventually fell asleep around midnight 
after sharing numerous memories of television appearances and radio 
performances.

The next day, around noon sometime, I awoke in Becca's room. She was 
nowhere to be seen. I went over to my room and got dressed. I couldn't 
believe I had slept so long. "It must be the time change," I said out 
loud. I headed down into the lobby and saw Becca talking with 
Leighanne. I waved and walked over to them.

"There you are. I was wondering where you were." I said to the two 
women.

"I left a note," Becca replied.

I laughed and said, "I'm blind then!" We all stood around and talked 
for a little while longer and then headed over to the Littrell's.

Jackie was waiting for us when we arrived. "Well hello, Leighanne. I 
didn't know you were coming."

"I didn't either. Becca wanted me to."

"I didn't feel right," Becca quickly explained before Jackie could ask 
which one of us had wanted Leighanne there.

Jackie handed Becca a small photo album. "Go on, look," she urged my 
friend.

Becca looked and I just stood back. Becca tried to refuse the album and 
later a sweatshirt and teddy bear. Jackie persisted and eventually we 
turned to leave. We were halfway out the door when Jackie stopped me. 
Becca and Leighanne were in the yard discussing the teddy bear it 
looked like.

"You're the one whose birthday was yesterday right?" Jackie asked me.

"Yeah, the other Becca."

"Um, I don't think it's fair to you to have to spend your birthday at a 
funeral. I owe you something."

"No you don't. I was honored to be there." Tears started trickling down 
my cheeks.

"Brian wouldn't have let you go without a birthday present. Here." She 
handed me a grocery bag. I thought of protesting, but decided not to. 
Jackie's eyes told the whole story. She felt bad that I had spent my 
birthday crying. It must have been a mother thing.

"I thought I'd let you know, instead of sending flowers, I made a 
donation, a sizeable donation, to your son's foundation. It was the 
least I could do," I said to her. "He's still with you, he's still with 
all of us."

"I know," she said, and embraced me in a hug. We said goodbye and I 
caught up with Becca and Leighanne. Becca told me that we had been 
invited to dinner with Leighanne and the Boys and asked what was in the 
bag. When we went back to the hotel to change before dinner that night, 
I looked. It was a Kentucky Wildcats sweatshirt and hat. I cried. I 
decided I would wear it that night to dinner.

We met for dinner at Applebee's that night. The guys were still visibly 
shaken but were putting on brave faces for us. We all exchanged email 
addresses and shared memories of Brian. After we had finished eating, 
the waitresses came out holding a cake, and the Boys serenaded me with 
"Happy Birthday." I was touched. There were twenty candles on the cake 
and I blew them all out, something I had never managed to do. I knew 
Brian was helping me. After I blew out the candles I started cutting 
the cake for everyone. I cut eight pieces and placed them on plates.

"Whose the extra piece for?" Howie asked once everyone had a piece in 
front of them.

That's when I realized I had two pieces sitting in front of me. I had 
cut for the three girls and five guys, forgetting that Brian wasn't 
there. I fought back tears and picked up the extra plate. "I couldn't 
leave Brian out of my birthday celebration," I said tearfully. Everyone 
sat there in silence not knowing what to say.

* * *

I went home the following morning, missing both of my classes, but not 
really caring. That day, I went to get the mail. In the mailbox were 
several cards. Apparently my roommate had forgotten to get the mail. I 
sorted through them as I walked back to my apartment. I sat down at the 
dining room table and started opening the birthday cards I had. The 
very last envelope I opened had no return address. It was postmarked 
New York City, April 12, 2000.

"Who is writing me from New York?" I thought as I opened the envelope. 

"Dear Becca," the letter began. "I got your letter, I actually got it 
four times. Apparently the fan clubs thought it was too good not to 
pass on to me." At that point I knew it was from Brian. I started 
crying and read the rest of the letter through blurry eyes. "I'm so 
glad my music inspired you. I feel honored to mean as much to you as I 
do. To tell you the truth, I have read your story. I came across it on 
your web site. I love it. I have a confession to make. You know that 
poem you wrote, 'Miracle'? Well, I kinda got to playing around with it 
on my guitar and recorded it onto a tape. I plan to play it for the 
guys this weekend. By the time you get this letter it'll be your 
birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you watch Saturday Night Live on 
your birthday because we are going to be on, and I'll even send a 
special birthday wish out to you." I started sobbing at this point. I 
wiped the tears away and continued reading what was left of the letter. 
"Sorry it took me so long to write back to you, but things got busy 
with the tour and everything. I hope we can keep in touch and maybe 
meet someday. Remember, 'I can do all things through Christ who 
strengthens me.' Lots of love and luck to you. Brian."

I continued crying as I turned on my computer. I was about to connect 
to the Internet when the phone rang. I wanted to email Kevin and tell 
him about the letter. I looked at the number on the caller ID. It 
listed the number but came up "unavailable" on the name. I picked up 
the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, can I please speak to Becca?"

"This is she," I said.

"Hi, this is Kevin Richardson."

My heart skipped a beat. I had given Kevin my phone number and told him 
to call me if he was ever in the area and just wanted to get together. 
"Hi Kev. I was just going to email you. I got a letter from Brian 
today," I said, sitting down in a chair.

"That's why I was calling you. In the busyness of the weekend I totally 
forgot that he dropped it in the mail that morning. I meant to tell 
you."

"No, it's okay. I'm glad you didn't. It was a wonderful surprise. Um, 
in the letter, he mentions a tape he made."

"I don't know anything about it."

"It's okay. If you come across it, let me know okay?"

"Sure."

"So, um, how's the album going?"

"Uh...we're going to hold a press conference the beginning of May. 
We're going to continue recording. We were fortunate enough to have 
Brian's voice already laid down for some of the tracks. I don't know if 
this is going to affect the release date of September. It would 
disappoint the fans."

"I'm sure the fans would understand, Kevin."

"Well, we've taken two weeks to gather our thoughts and that's why the 
conference isn't until May."

"Perfectly understandable."

"I should go through his things, but I just can't bring myself to do 
that."

"Take your time, Kevin. You don't have to do anything yet. He was your 
cousin."

"You're right, you know. When my dad died..." Kevin's voice trailed off 
into sobs.

"It's okay, Kevin." Kevin and I talked for a little while longer and 
then got off the phone.

* * *

Weeks passed and I watched the press conference on MTV. The guys were 
still heartbroken, but had decided to go on with the album. They were 
under contract to record five more, so after the album that was to be 
released in September, they were going to continue, as a quartet. Brian 
would have wanted it that way. Nick and Becca started dating shortly 
after the press conference. About the same week I got the email from 
Becca about her and Nick, I got a package and a letter from Kevin. It 
was the tape Brian had mentioned in his letter to me. In the letter, 
Kevin said that the song "Miracle" was going to be on the new album of 
the same name. They had decided to name the album "Miracle" because to 
them it really was a miracle that they had finished it.

In September, the album came out, right on schedule. A few weeks later, 
the video for Miracle came out. It was a montage of video clips of 
Brian. It was very moving and when MTV debuted it, everyone was crying. 
In January, the Grammy nominations were announced. "Miracle" was up for 
best song, which meant I got to go to the awards show. In February, I 
went with the rest of the Backstreet Boys and Becca whom I had invited 
to attend with me. Kevin and I had grown close and AJ and I had dated 
for a while. When they announced that "Miracle" had won, I jumped to my 
feet and looked to the sky. I hugged Becca, who congratulated me and 
then Kevin placed his hand on my back and led me to the stage. They 
handed me both trophies and I handed one over to Kevin. I stood up 
there and took a deep breath.

"I know if Brian were here, he'd want me to speak saying that the song 
wouldn't have been written without me. So, this is for you, B-Rok." I 
held the trophy up to the sky. "I couldn't have written the words 
without God, so I thank Him. I thank my mom. I thank the Backstreet 
Boys for allowing the song to be on the album. And most importantly, I 
thank you Brian. I know you're looking down on us from Heaven. I accept 
this award on Brian's behalf and I know..." I couldn't finish, so Kevin 
stepped up and said, "I know Brian would be honored to have received 
this award. We love you, Brian." Kevin and I were both crying and we 
hugged each other as we were led off stage.

Over the next year, I worked on a special project for the fans. It was 
a book and album called "Rok your World." The book included pictures of 
Brian, quotes he'd said, articles that were written about him, and 
interviews he'd done. We also released a video of the same name that 
included the video "Miracle" and also every appearance it seemed that 
Brian had ever made. On the album, we put the original demo of 
"Miracle" and also the songs that Brian had written. Boyz II Men did an 
a cappella version of "It's so Hard to say Goodbye to Yesterday" for 
the album. We got permission to put Michael W. Smith's "Friends" on the 
album, LeAnn Rimes' "How do I Live" and Brian McKnight's "One Last 
Cry." On the album was Brian McKnight's version of "One Last Cry," 
preceded a version of the same song Brian had sung. The album meant a 
lot to me. It was my gift to the fans.

Becca's life was a full one. She married Nick and spent 53 wonderful 
years with him. They had three children, Brian Thomas, Lindsey Marie 
and Dustin James. I too had gotten married, to Jacob Luttrell. I had 
met him in college and he and I had gone to junior high school 
together. At the wedding, Jacob and AJ sang "I'll Never Break Your 
Heart" to me. It wasn't same as if Brian would have been singing it, 
but it still meant a lot to me. I went on to publish my novel, "I'll 
Never Break Your Heart" to much critical acclaim. The Boys endorsed it 
and it sold millions of copies. A few years after Jacob and I were 
married, we had a little boy. I named him Brian Thomas, and to my 
surprise, Jacob didn't protest.

Every year on my birthday, I would fly out to Lexington to visit 
Brian's gravesite. It was there that I told my little Brian, who had 
also taken a liking to basketball, when he was nine about his namesake. 
Jacob and I lived a full life. Our little Brian grew up and went off to 
college and got married. Jacob and I were married sixty years. Things 
couldn't have been better, until the day came I got to meet Brian 
Littrell.

Becca was the one who led me to him. I introduced myself to her, 
immediately recognizing her. We hugged and she led me to a basketball 
court to meet Brian. I was totally ecstatic when I saw him. I walked up 
and introduced myself to him. "Becca Luttrell," I said.

"Luttrell? Do I know you?"

"We're not related if that's what you're asking. I married another 
Luttrell, spelled L-U-T-T-R-E-L-L."

"Oh. Do you play?" Brian asked, tossing me a basketball.

"Not very well. My son's much better." Just then, I was picked up and 
flung around. When I was set back down, I looked up and there was 
Kevin.

"Kev! What are you doing here?" I said, hugging him.

"Bank robbery."

"Oh."

The whole gang was back together again, except for AJ, but I didn't 
have to wait long for him either. Becca, Leighanne, Nick, Howie, Brian, 
and Kevin and then later AJ and Jacob. Heaven was everything I had 
expected and more. And it was all because of my twentieth birthday when 
I went to a funeral of a man I never met that I became such good 
friends with the seven of them.